I have been MIA for so long. My life has been quite busy. Alot has happened since my last post. I am on Spring break and have been doing some thinking. I am noticing that I am subconsciously keeping a distance from the guys I encounter. I am a very emotional person but I come off pretty aloof, especially when I am getting to know somone. But once I let someone completely in, they are in and they know it. But I am a very open person. Its kind of like a confusing inner struggle that I understand, but can't quite explain. Its like I love closeness...but I keep people at arms length bc I want to keep my individuality. I find that I rather have a relationship with a person who does not live in the city that I am in...I don't know why but I feel like it would be easier. It does not have to be too far away...but far enough to have a sense of "self". I am becoming the person that I did not get a long time ago...But then again...that was me all along, it was just hidden to the point to where I did not understand or like that behavior. Now I understand it,so I accept it for what it is. I swear sometimes relationships cause you to put up defense mechanisms that u never intend to. Good thing I am recognizing them and trying to balance it out.
I actually visited my ex literally a year after we broke up. We did cross the line and he is still in love with me its obvious. I love him, but not to the extent as I did before. He was my first love so the love will always be there. He told me he wanted to be with me but I told him I can not be in a relationship with him. One thing I will say is that our energy is harmonious, always been that way. I turn into a baby around him bc he treats me that way...lol. I told him that, he smiled and said bc u are my baby...its sweet but make me uneasy...bc I know that it can not be the way he wants it to be. Timing is everything. Plus I intend on doing Peace Corps after graduation too...so I am prepping myself for the leaving now mentally.
Plus I would be lying if someone that I met last summer don't cross my mind time to time. I think its best if I just keep it light and have no pressure with the guys i meet. I want to be married but no time soon.
Hey, welcome back. I think its good to have balance when dating or in a relationship and remembering to keep a sense of self. Alot of times we allow ourself to be swallowed up in it that we cannot seperate the positives from the negatives. Sounds like you are in the process of finding yourself completely and knowing what is important to you. It also sounds like you have alot of emotions for the ex. Alot of times, its best to deal with those first before getting deep with another person. so its good that you are keeping a nice distance till you are completely ready.
ReplyDeleteHey Journey!!!
ReplyDeleteYep I am definitely going through a journey of my own. I do have deep emotions for my ex because he was my first everything. I don't think it would ever go away, even if I go off and marry someone who I truly love. Love never ends. But yes I am trying to keep a distance btwn others so I don't confuse myself.
Love never goes away, but love evolves. You must allow your love to evolve into something healthy where it wont affect your future and where you can be at peace with your past.
ReplyDelete