Isolation from a group or an activity to which one should belong or in which one should be involved.
I am feeling alienated but I am doing it to myself. I am right now in a middle of feeling extremely heartbroken and have no sense of control in the situation. I feel helpless and sad. If I could I would have it to where I was with him right now. But the reality of it is that it is NOT THE RIGHT TIME. These past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster and I have cried so much this year alone (I never was really a crier).
I use to have another blog but I have decided to start up another one for a new start and to be more anonymous. I have been by myself for the past few days by choice. I did not want to be around anyone out of fear of just breaking down and crying and I just did not want my energy to bring anyone I was around down. It is like so beautiful outside but I have been seeing darkness. I understand it is all in my perception but I am just using this as a theraputic tool to help me grow and move forward.
I do know that there will be brighter days, the pain is just fresh right now.
To those who are on the outside looking in, they will logically say move on, it will get better and you will meet someone who appreciates and love you for you. Of course I think about that but do you have one of those people who stays in your system for years as Jozen put it in his untiligetmarried blog (check him out at untiligetmarried.com). They seem to be with you even when you don't think about it, as if they are a part of you.
It can be quite maddening when you don't quite understand and just accept things for how it is. I remember being upset because of the inner turmoil and confusion I was feeling and I lashed out at him. I told him you contridict yourself. He says, Its going to take a while for you to get out of my system. Although it was not stated, I think we both cried on the inside after he said that for a quick moment. I at that point knew that he did love me but he really can't be with me.
Its frustrating to me because why do I have this wishful optimistic thinking that this is not over between him and I. So many times we (well he) has tried to end things and some way the universe is like no or maybe its the heart saying no and we are back where we started. And it once again becomes an emotional roller coaster.
Because at this moment in time we cannot be but I want him in my life, same as he but its hard to be just a friend. Its no boundaries when we get together which is the problem.
I feel half crazy. I feel like screaming. I feel like breaking things. I think about drinking to not feel anything. I think about dealing with other dudes to not feel anything. But the reality of it is, I would not be fulfilled, I would be empty.
The only thing I can do is accept it which will take time. I can't say that I accept it fully right now. It will be a processs in itself. But I did realize today that I can't let it control me. I have a life that is still going on and I need to get a grip and realize that I am still alive and well.
But I will never stop loving him, he is always around me. I miss him so much. Every little thing reminds me of him. I go to this place, I remember a moment with him. I go to that place, another moment. I pick up a piece of paper, it has his handwriting on it. I watch a youtube video of the moesha sitcom, his name is one of the characters. I change the youtube video to a different video of moesha, the opening scene is of the fraternity that he is a member of doing a step and the father walks in the house saying one of the chants. I change the youtube to another moesha episode while saying this is not a coincidence and then moesha opens up talking about coincidences and fate.
I guess that was the uinverse trying to tell me to just accept things as it is. I cannot CONTROL anything. Don't get me wrong, I understand, but I still think about what he is doing and if he is meeting new women (which is tough to imagine, I try not to think about it). But in the end, I cannot do anything about that. Its his life and I have mine. I have to learn to accept things, accept things for what it is.
I just now thought as I was typing this that I will say the Serenity prayer every morning and every night (and anytime in between if I need to). This will be one of my affirmations because I am learning I need to accept things for what they are in general when it comes to life.
SERENITY PRAYER:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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