To You

Here is a letter to you (that I will not give):

I sit here and think about the past year and how can I have such strong feelings for someone who I was never in a relationship with. I have learned alot and what I will do next time. You can't control your emotions but you can control how you react to them.

I love you so much. If I could be with you I would but you don't want a relationship. I have learned that you are not ready for one. But guess what, I have learned that I am not ready for one either. There is alot that I need to work on myself. It took this situation for it to really come out.

I acted so out of character a few days ago. I just wanted you to hear me out because whenever things get serious and heated, you don't want to talk about it and it frustrated me. In reality I know that saying anything to you would be pointless. If what is meant to be said is meant to be heard, then it will be.

I do feel like at times you seem like you don't care, but I know you do. I hope that oneday we will be able to communicate and reach an understanding.

Alot of our issues do not stem from the situation that we are arguing about but at underlying unresolved issues that happened prior to when we met.

One thing that you need to realize is that I did not want us to be together because of what I did for you. You seem to think that I feel that you are obligated to be with me. I do not ever want to be with a man because of what I have done for him. I was being a good friend. What I did for you I did for my closest girlfriends. You see when I love someone I give effortlessly. I guess It came out as if I felt you were obligated to me, but that is not what I meant. You should know that.

I do think that you put yourself on a higher pedestal than you should. I was taken aback you said that you know you want me. Well of course I wanted to be with you, you know that we both are emotionally attached to eachother. But don't think that I just will die to be with you and that I cannot pick up and move on because I can and will. If you don't know, ask my ex-boyfriend of 5.5 years who I thought I was going to marry. It seems like when a guy thinks he got a girl that he believes that she will always be there.

Well look where that got him nowhere and it took him over a year to recover from that. But I left him alone, I cared enough cut him off so that he could move on. Because I knew that he was in to me in the way that I was not in to him anymore. He now is in a relationship with someone who can love him the way he should be loved.

I guess my aggrravation with you stems from the fact that your actions are straight up contridictions. You say we have to stop doing what we do but we don't. I have my part, I have no boundaries with you. That is something I need to work on is boundaries. I have to get to the point where I say its all or nothing. I guess I am scared. I am scared that you will never come back. I guess I am not tired enough of this shit. But I am getting to that point.