Up Early

I have been up since 3:00 in the morning. Its hard for me to stay asleep. I hate night time because it causes me to think about things and then I have a urge to want to be near him or to get angry and want to let him know how angry I am. It is now 4:57 am. I have been laying in my bed thinking about everything.

These are the times when I get tempted to call him the most but I don't have the urge this morning (Thankfully).

Today should be his first day at his internship but I haven't been talking to him so I don't know anymore. Its kind of sad because I remember him talking about wanting it and helping him throughout the process (I know I was not the only one, but I was around him alot). I personally would tell the people who was around me as much as I could about my experience (its federal gov so I know you can't tell everything). Its crazy bc a week ago he was telling me that he missed me and that he was going to see me soon. While he was training out west that whole week he kept in contact alot so I knew he missed me as much as I missed him. Stupid things and misunderstandings always cause drama. I hate the fact that he does not ever want to talk about it. I feel as if he does not care about how I feel and I just wanted him to understand. We have become friends this past year and I just want us to be on the same page when it comes to understanding and communication. But I cannot fool myself, I don't want to be just friends with him I would like more, but the bigger picture is that I have to focus on me right now. My heart hurts.

He texted me yesterday asking what I was up to, I just said writing and no reply back.

From now on, when I wake up, I will do something constructive, like do some work.

I now understand why he treated me the way he did, bc I always was there for him, too much.

I read an article someone at the forum I frequent posted and  it was called the Power of NO. That article came at the right time because I need to learn that. That was part of my problem with S. That is my problem with people in general. From this point on, when I make decisions, I will do what is best for me.

Looking back I hate that I did not put my foot down more and just said NO, even if I did not mind. People will treat you the way you allow them to. This is definitely a learning experience for me.
It kind of makes me sad because that is not what I intend to do, but you have to see things for what they are to make a change.

AFFIRMATION: I will make decisons that are based on what is best for me. I will say Yes when I mean it and No when I mean it. I will set boundaries and my life will be full of balance, integrity, and authenticity. My boundaries will be healthy and I honor myself. I have control of myself and have power in my life.