Detachment

I have been MIA for so long. My life has been quite busy. Alot has happened since my last post. I am on Spring break and have been doing some thinking. I am noticing that I am subconsciously keeping a distance from the guys I encounter. I am a very emotional person but I come off pretty aloof, especially when I am getting to know somone. But once I let someone completely in, they are in and they know it. But I am a very open person. Its kind of like a confusing inner struggle that I understand, but can't quite explain. Its like I love closeness...but I keep people at arms length bc I want to keep my individuality. I find that I rather have a relationship with a person who does not live in the city that I am in...I don't know why but I feel like it would be easier. It does not have to be too far away...but far enough to have a sense of "self". I am becoming the person that I did not get a long time ago...But then again...that was me all along, it was just hidden to the point to where I did not understand or like that behavior. Now I understand it,so I accept it for what it is. I swear sometimes relationships cause you to put up defense mechanisms that u never intend to. Good thing I am recognizing them and trying to balance it out.

I actually visited my ex literally a year after we broke up. We did cross the line and he is still in love with me its obvious. I love him, but not to the extent as I did before. He was my first love so the love will always be there. He told me he wanted to be with me but I told him I can not be in a relationship with him. One thing I will say is that our energy is harmonious, always been that way. I turn into a baby around him bc he treats me that way...lol. I told him that, he smiled and said bc u are my baby...its sweet but make me uneasy...bc I know that it can not be the way he wants it to be. Timing is everything. Plus I intend on doing Peace Corps after graduation too...so I am prepping myself for the leaving now mentally.

Plus I would be lying if someone that I met last summer don't cross my mind time to time. I think its best if I just keep it light and have no pressure with the guys i meet. I want to be married but no time soon.

Chillin

Aahhh...I finally get to breathe for a minute.

I had alot of community service, classes, tests, and bonding time with my 25/52 family.

Today will be a day of just being lazy.

It feels so good helping people, I love helping people. I help teach for a GED program, tutor the babies at elementary school, and walked around campus in the cold to help raise money for an organization. Lately I have been very busy which is a good thing because it keeps my mind off a certain things even though I think about it everyday. Its amazing how things that I had on my visionboard are slowly manifesting. In a blog I talked making a vision board of things that I want to manifest. You look at the vision board almost everyday and visualize it. Now I still have it but I don't look at it everyday...I look at it time to time bc I am good at visualizing in my head anyway.

On the romantic front, nothing is really going on, just chillin for the most part. See some potential but nothing for real. I can say that I am happy even if I don't have a valentine, I will have something to do whether it be with my people or by myself...

Have a great weekend!

Being Too honest...

Well yesterday I was put in a situation that I kind of wish I can take back...but it happened for a reason. The situation mirrored exactly a previous situation I was in (its almost creepy). I learned that regardless of what end of the spectrum I am at, the same results can occur so just accept it for what it is. I guess I'll explain it a little bit...I was in a situation where someone just stopped talking to me and I felt like I was open enough to where they should not have felt like they had to avoid me. So now I am in a situation where I was trying to be honest to someone and now they are avoiding me. I am human, I feel a little bad although I was being honest as hell. People are always trying to "save feelings". Although I am very gentle natured, I am also so blunt but I try to say things in a tactful way.

It is what it is...

How important is money to you?

*Sigh*

This is the first time in a while where I am able to have a little me time. I have been occupied with many activities. Before I celebrate one of my soror's birthday, I decided to post a blog about something I was discussing with a bruh on facebook. I was telling him how I went to school for biology but how I wish I would have gotten a double or minor in psychology or sociology. Currently that is way more fitting for me and I think I would be more passionate in that area. He mentioned how the money is of course in Biology but I don't care about that. I am more focused on doing something that my heart is set on. One thing about me (and I am so honest on this) is if I am working somewhere strictly for money purposes I go crazy, I don't care how much money I make. I am an idealist but I have logic in my bones too, of course I know you need money to survive and I know that I will be living very comfortably one day. But one thing I refuse to do is live lavishly and miserable. So many people do not follow their heart and they end up with regrets and bitterness. I refuse to turn into one of those people. I know money is important but for me personally it is not.

It seem like the world is driven by money. Men and women are driven by money...which is why it is a little harder to find someone who is true. The only reason why I am driven by money to an extent is because I have to in order to survive. Money is an illusion just like time.

Sigh of relief

I proud to say that I am part of the best sorority ever. I love my G-S-S.

Anyway school has just started back (well last week) and its going to be a busy semester. I am happy and anxious at the same time. Nothing to talk about at the moment.

Do You love yourself?

That is a good question that many people may hesistate to answer. I personally think people have a hard to answering it because they don't know how to really define it. I use to describe love as an action but now I know what it truly is. I woke up this morning self reflective and I feel a inner peace inside. To me that is love, when you have oneness with yourself, a peace from within. We are all human with insecurities but I accept mine. There may be things going on in my life that I would like to change, but I know that I will be ok. Somehow, some way...things always work out, especially if you have faith. I know that a change has happen when people who I have gotten to know say the same thing. They say that I am wise...I do think I am beyond my years...but I still feel like there is so much more to grow from.

I can say that I am comfortable now as far as putting myself out there to be back in the dating world. I have my standards and can honestly say what I want and need. I have to be with someone who love and trust themself first and foremost. Society put so much emphasis on how value comes from outside of ourselves...that we need to find love from something materialistic or someone else whether it be a baby or a romantic interest. The truth is all that we need comes from ourselves. If someone feel like in order to feel valuable you have to look outside of yourself, then how can you actually trust yourself, let alone others. I know I have no time for games, I am almost 25 which is still young, but grown enough to know better. I don't have time for little "tests" to see where a person mind is truly at. Its time to just be observant and trust your intuition and feelings. The truth always come to the light through time if you let it. I want to share love with someone because I have so much love to give. I should use that love to help those who need a helping hand also. Letting go and opening up, can be a scary thing but what is there to really FEAR? Nothing...The fear is coming from you, nothing else. The PAIN is coming from you. The LOVE is coming from you.

I love this song by omarion, I been playing this song in heavy rotation bc I feel it.

Year end Relfection

In three days 2009 will be a memory and 2010 is a new beginning. I look at this year and realize that this was a very quiet year but I have become more self aware. This was a year of reflection for me and I will never forget it. I always said that I never had a year like 2003. That was my fun year, I had graduated from High School, began college, fell in love, new friends, new experiences, new surroundings. I have not had a year like that since but 2009 will always be the year where I felt like I transitioned. I am still growing but 2009 is the year where things shifted for me on another level. Its the year where my relationship with myself flourish and is still growing. I have met alot of interesting people along the way. Throughout the year I reconnected with people who I have not talked to in the last few years which includes family members. I am still a work in progress but more wise. I can't deny, I am curious and nervous at what 2010 is gonna bring, especially after a self reflective quiet year like this one. I will take what I learned from 2009 and apply it to 2010 and years to come.

If you read some of my blogs you will notice that I talk alot about an anonymous person who I will just call Gem. I mention how after I met him alot of things changed for me and I feel connected to him on a deep level...like feeling his energy (he has been in many many dreams). Well he replied back to me...I knew it would happen but not this soon. Nothing at this point, but we will be talking one on one very soon. I am kind of uneasy about it though but we will see how he responds to what I have to say. All I know is that after I say what I say and he decides to retreat, Im am going to let it go. But just like I knew he would come around, I know that we will see more of eachother...but if not its was great meeting him.

2010 is going to be a very interesting year and I am excited and scared at the same time!

Happy New Years!

2009 has taught me to look at the big picture and to remain positive, don't dwell on the bad for too long. Just have the greatest momentinlife!