Intuition

Mood: Anticipating

Song: Intuition by Jewel

Follow your heart,
your intuition…
It will lead you in the right direction.
Let go of your mind,
your Intuition.

It's easy to find….

Lately I have been having this feeling that something is going to happen next month, like I am going to have new beginnings or something. I think my mama thinks I am crazy, I told her about this and I am about to talk about it now. I am very sensitive when it comes to intuition. Lately I have been having very interesting dreams. The dreams that I do remember now is set in a forest/wood and country setting. There is only person that is around me that I know. I can vividly see their face, voice, and touch. We are living amongst people in a forest/wood/country setting and it feels like we are together like a couple. I will not reveal who they are on here but it is very interesting who it is. In another dream...kind of like a continuation of the previous dream, I was waiting on the person and then we got on a bus. The only people that I remember seeing on that bus was a couple. We then are riding a the car, the other person driving. It began to rain and we get flooded in but stay in the car, even when it gets underwater (we just jump up for air then breathe underwater). Somehow we end up at a park and we follow this old man who seem crazy but I felt like he knew where he was going. I felt lost and distant from the person I was with at this point…I think because I was following this old man who was crazy and I was disoriented from the flood. Then the dream ended or I don't remember anything else. Being the person I am you know I had to look this stuff up. This is what I found when I looked up the interpretation of my dreams:

• To see the woods in your dream represents life, fertility, rejuvenation, and spring.
  Alternatively, it symbolizes the unknown and unconscious. You need to be more open-minded to discovering your potential and instinctual nature.
  
  

  The bolded above really stuck out to me. Your instinctual nature is your gut feeling aka your INTUITION. Rejuvenation is like a transformation, renewal….
  

  
  

• To dream that you are walking through the woods signifies your return to an aspect of yourself that is innocent and spiritual.
  

  
  

• To dream that you are lost in the woods indicates that you are starting a new phase in your life. You are expressing some anxiety about leaving behind the familiar and what you know.
  

  
  

• To dream that you are in or walking through the forest
  signifies a transitional phase. Follow your instincts. Alternatively, it indicates that you want to escape to a simpler way of life. You are feeling weighed down by the demands of your life.
  
• To dream that you are lost in a forest signifies
  that you are searching through your unconscious for a better understanding of yourself.
  
• To dream of the countryside
  suggests that you are seeking a simpler way of life. You need to take some time for yourself to relax and free your mind. Alternatively, it indicates a sense of freedom and/or openness that is lacking in your daily life.
  
• To dream that you are riding a bus implies that you are going along with the crowd. You are lacking originality and are taking no control over where your life is taking.
  
• To dream that you are in a flood
  represents your need to release some sexual desires. If the flood is raging, then it represents emotional issues and tension. Your repressed emotions are overwhelming you. Consider where the flood is for clues as to where in your waking life is causing you stress and tension. Alternatively, the dream may indicate that you are the one who is overwhelming others with your demands and strong opinion
  
• To dream that you are at a park represents a temporary escape from reality. It indicates renewal, meditation, and spirituality. You are undergoing a readjustment period after experiencing some serious personal conflict or an ending to a passionate affair.
  
• To dream that you are lost in a park
  indicates your struggles with your career, relationship, or other problem. You may feel alienated by society.
  
• To see an old man in your dream
  represents wisdom or forgiveness. The old man may be an archetypal figure who is offering guidance to some daily problem.
  

  
  

I have been feeling like there is going to be major changes in many aspects of my life within the next few weeks. I have become anxious thinking about the unknown. Within the last couple of weeks I wanted to get away and relax somewhere away from the school setting….somewhere quiet. If you have read my previous entries, you can see that I feel like I am at the stage of my life where I am slowly becoming in tune with myself and maturing mentally. I am at the stage where I am trying to establish myself and have new beginnings.

Each of the bullets had me going OMG….You notice how they all are related to each other. The funny thing about it is that I had two dreams, the second dream seem almost like a continuation of the first dream. The person who shows up in the dream with me is very interesting as I said before. I did leave out some parts of the dream but you get an idea. I guess dreams really are our unconscious thoughts and just gives us an idea of what we need to do in the conscious world.

I call your name…

Mood: Loveable

Song: I call your name by Switch

I use to think about immature things,
You know like…
Do you love me?
Do you want me?
Are you going to call me like you said you would?
Is this really your real phone number?
But you know,
I'm a man now baby, a grown man!
And I came a long way!

And Experience taught me one thing…

Taught me to hold on to my love…

This is such a beautiful song. It is one of my favorite old school love songs. Every time I listen to it I get little butterflies in my stomach and my heart flutters a little bit. For those who do not know this wonderful group, please look them up and listen to their music. This song was of course sampled my Rich Boy (Throw them D's) but it cannot replace the original of course. For those who have been in love know it's a beautiful thing. And this song just takes me back to that feeling, it's a great one. It's one of those songs that almost have me to tears just thinking about the words…So beautiful.

See I just don't feel all by myself tonight

It seems like someone else is out there oh thinking of holding someone else tight
So you know where I am coming from
Oh when I am lonely, when I am discouraged I, I call your name!
There is no substitute for you.
No one can take your place
You're more than they can ever see
That is why I call your name…

Dreams...

Mood: Thoughtful and Open
Song: momentinlife by Musiq Soulchild ft. The Kindred Family Soul and Cee-lo

Have you ever had a day when nothing goes your way?
All you do seems to be invaded,
Everything is just a waste of your time.
But have you ever that moment in life?
When everything was cool,
Didn’t have to worry about the time,
It all went as it should,
You were having the greatest moment in life….

I love this song. My favorite part in the song is when Cee-lo sings “But the Future so bright; it’s almost blinding my sight…” I am always anxious about the future. I keep this song momentinlife on repeat in the library…especially on those tough days. It talks about moving on from the past and looking forward to your future….everything is going to be ok and work out in time. I was having a conversation with a friend and we talked about how we both have the tendency to want to control things. I am learning that things happen for a reason and to just let it be. But I don’t like to take no for an answer and will do what I have to do to get that yes.

I told my friend that I had this crazy dream about a month ago. It was a dream where I was driving on the interstate in my car but I was not in it. But I felt like I was driving the car. I was watching the car driving itself but then it started to lose control and I was trying to control the car but it eventually crashed. When I mean crashed, it flipped several times before it crashed to the ground. Remember I said I was not in it before it crashed but once it crashed, I was in it but I was not hurt. That was a crazy dream. I knew it had something to do with me wanting to control something. My friend interpreted it as me wanting to always be in control of the future but I should just let things be because God will always guide me. I mean I was in the wreck but I came out fine and I was not controlling the car….Now that was deep…

Just Like You

Mood: Hopeful :)
Song: Just Like You by Keyshia Cole

I'm just like you
I'm trying to take my time and get to know me
I'm just like you
I'm trying to live my life and take care of mine
I'm just like you
I'm trying to be happy....

My birthday is in less than a month. I am pretty much half way through my 20's. I have been having so many thoughts on my mind lately which is why I have so many blogs entries right now.This past year has been a interesting one. Although I am still young, my mind has definitely matured (but I am not perfect, I still sometimes make silly decisions), especially since my last birthday. Earlier this year I wrote a poem called Age of Self Discovery (which is also the name of this blog)...I need to find it and put it up here. But it pretty much was about how I hated being in my 20's because you are still trying to figure out who you are as a person and become established. I was talking about how I feel like by my 30's I should be established and more in tune with myself. But looking at it now...even though its a tiring journey, I wouldn't pass it up for nothing...

Getting Closer to my Dreams

Mood: Anxious
Song: Successful by Drake ft Lil Wayne and Trey Songs

I just want to be successful...

I love Drake as an artist....For some reason he is what I listen to whenever I need to get that paper done that I should have gotten done yesterday. Or when I am in study mode. I guess its my energy music.

There is not a day that goes by where I don't think about my future. I know that tomorrow is not promised and that you should live like its your last day...but for some reason its hard for me to do that. I am a stickler for planning things and staying on top of my stuff. But I can be random also. I can skip a night club but I will jump out of a plane. My sister is the opposite, she can wild out at the club but would freak out if she had to jump out of a plane.

I am in grad school and I keep thinking about what I need to do next. I know I need get out in the professional world. My heart at first said Florida, but I now its saying ATL. I don't know why, maybe because the Center of Disease and Control is there, plus I just like it there. But I don't mind moving anywhere for a job. I have no husband or children. It saddens me that some people refuse to move out of their home state because of fear of the unknown. If they only knew there is so much more out there....

What's your sign?

Mood: Slightly Tired
Song: Signs by Beyonce

I know many people do not believe in Astrology but I am a firm believer in it. Since I will have a few weeks of free time before the fall semester starts, I am going to read more into it. It is a pretty interesting topic and when you look up your sun, rising, and moon signs…you would be amazed at how accurate it can describe your characteristics. I am not an expert and don’t want to state things that may not be true, but I think that everybody should read up on it just for kicks.

I am not going to say everything that is stated about your signs are the say all be all but after I had more knowledge of astrology, I began to understand a little bit more about my temperament and character in general. At the time I was in a relationship and also read up on my SO and it gave me a better understanding of their temperament too…and it was pretty accurate. I also read up on my intermediate family signs also. Not only their sun signs, but rising, moon…you get the picture. It gave me a better understanding of how they may possibly think, communicate, etc. Now I am not an expert and astrology is not the say all be all but it is accurate in my eyes.

I find myself now guessing people’s signs by their personality traits. I am a Leo. We are natural leaders, loyal, generous, bossy, likes to be center of attention as the typical traits say on the website. Although my Sun sign is Leo, my rising and moon signs are in Libra, Venus is a cancer, and mercury is in Leo. Rising sign is pretty much how people view you from first impression. Moon is your emotional state. Venus is how you are in love/relationships and mercury is how you communicate. There are more signs but those are the most important in my opinion. I definitely have Leo traits, but I also act very much like a Libra internally.

I find that I do like to be in control, but it is not because of power, it’s because I am protective of things that are close to me. I do like to do things my way and prefer to do it myself with a little help if needed. I think that Leos are particular about people at first because we feel that we are the best and expect to be around the best. It’s because we are extremely loyal and giving. I like my attention but I have no problem giving the same love back. It’s like a Leo loves the limelight and will share it as long as they are still part of that shine…We will have your back and take care of you if we can, as long as we straight first….I mean how do you expect me to help you if I can’t help myself? I know that I am particular about who I call a friend because when you have my trust, I got your back for life. Leos love with their heart, it’s a big one. We also got huge egos that are fragile. When we get disappointed, we take it hard. My Libra tendencies show how I try to stay balanced and I always try to view things from both sides. I can be indecisive and it is because I want to make the perfect decision. Libras like to avoid conflict at all cost, its a peaceful sign in my opinion. My Venus sign is a cancer, a water sign. Cancers to me are so sweet and willing to do a lot to satisfy their mate. When I think of Cancer sign I think of romance. I remember I was watching the Tiny and Toya show on BET and Tiny really grew on me…I was thinking she has got to be a cancer because she seem so sweet, and I realized she did recently celebrate a birthday (We were just in the cancer birthday month) because TI got her that big ass ring. I see that in me also, which is why I come off as real cautious when it comes to love, because when I love, I love HARD. One of the things I fear is becoming co-dependent on a person…cancers are prone to doing that.

I admit I try to guess a guy sign by how they appear to be. I notice that I attract air signs (Aquarius, Gemini, and Libra) and have the best chemistry with them…I Love air signs. I find myself attracted to fellow fire signs (Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius) too. But I had a Scorpio as a lover. Scorpios are water signs and I am a Fire sign which is not suppose to mix. But like I said, astrology is not the say all be all. Other factors such as our moon, rising, and Venus signs were compatible I should note. Scorpios are water signs, very sensitive compared to Leos which are dominant signs. Scorpios have a tendency to shield their feelings in my opinion because they like to be in control mentally. So you can make them mad or hurt their feelings and the will act like they are fine. I hated that because I was not afraid to say what was bothering me (Leos tend to be more vocal and frank). Scorpios in my opinion are very passionate which I like. It’s like they shield their feelings but once it comes out it’s like whoa, where did that come from. When my SO expressed his feelings it sounded like poetry…seriously. They have to be in control of their emotions. My former SO and I conflict in that control area. In my opinion, Scorpios like to be in control mentally but Leos are more vocal about wanting to handle things. I also feel like they are definitely secretive to a fault. They feel like some things are not important enough to disclose…you feel me…lol. When they love it’s definitely hard, they are very passionate. Well their sign is known as the sexual sign so maybe that is why they are so passionate. But I definitely had to watch my mouth because my sharp tongue has cause conflict, they are sensitive to me….these are my opinions base on my experience with a Scorpio.

Now I have encountered a Gemini and that is an Air Sign. I definitely felt a connection with this guy. First thought that comes to my mind when I think about this guy is friendly, playful, full of life, intelligent, and great at conversations…can talk about anything. Geminis do not like to be tied down and they can be into you oneday and Ghost the next. What I mean by that is that they can be real fickle. They get bored real quick. They are very unpredictable which is probably why this guy was so gravitating to me. Geminis are labeled as “crazy”. But I don’t think they are crazy, just misunderstood. If anything they drive me crazy (smile)…which is why he is gravitating to me. Our chemistry was electrifying, it was kind of scaring me because he was definitely intense. I guess I was too tame for him. I normally have to feel a person out so I was definitely holding back. Mannnnnn…..this dude has sexy written all over him. He has a killer smile…its one of those contagious smiles. And when he bites his lip...let me stop… Every time I looked at him I was like damn! But on top of that he was real down to earth and intelligent. I would love to get to know him better…but he went Ghost….lol. Updated to add...definite Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde thang going on. It left me stratching my head like, huh? But despite that deep down I think he is a good person. There is something about them geminis energy that I am drawn to. Although I think that there is dark side to them, that bright side is full of thrill and excitement. I think that I have a conflict with is those mood changes bc I am a moody person myself. They are alot about the mind, so you can't be like overly emotional i have realized, you have to respond in a more logical way. Geminis are one of the most interesting signs in the zoidac to me.

Last but not least, the wonderful Libra, another Air sign. Very laid back, balanced, big on partnerships, but very indecisive. But I don’t like to say indecisive…it is just that they like to make the best decision, so it takes them a while make a decision. But once it is made, it is final. Now this guy I can call a friend. Leo and Libras make great friends in my opinion and are compatible for relationships. He is polite, he use to send me a text every morning saying, “Good morning, Hope you have a great day.” Or a “Hope you had a great day, have a great night.” Libra men are supposed to be the prince charming of the zodiac. They are good at making you feel like you are the only one when they may have a few lady friends on the side (lol). They are about getting their work done and they love money, I can’t deny that. They are very hard to read…which is why his mysterious ways was gravitating to me also. We definitely were attracted to each other and had some chemistry. Our temperaments are similar; remember I said that although I am a Leo, internally I act like a Libra due to my moon and rising signs. Compared to the other two guys I talked about, he was definitely the one that I became friends with before crossing the friend zone. But I can’t see myself being with him in the long term based on things that can be on another blog. But he is definitely a good person overall.

As far as friendships with women, I click the best with my fellow Leo women. It’s just a natural comfort around them, we definitely vibe naturally. One of my closest friends from high school is an Aquarius. Leos and Aquarius are polar opposites, so get along great or you don’t. We clicked instantly. My sister is a Pisces and I love her but I have to have her in doses. They are caring but too dramatic and sensitive for my liking…she is a water sign. But I like cancer women (who are water signs), they are sweet. It’s funny because one my girlfriend from college had a motherly vibe to me. She reminded me of my mama. Our click use to call her mama because she acts like one. Come to find out, she is Capricorn just like my mama…lol.

Now Astrology does not answer all the questions on how people are in general, but it’s a good blueprint to look at in my opinion. When I began reading up on astrology, I started communicating better with those close to me to be honest. Weird I know but this stuff is accurate. Plus it’s based on your birthday, birthplace, and time you were born. When you think about science and biological clocks…it kind of makes sense that people born around the same time of the year may have similar characteristics…

Too little too late....

Mood: Thoughtful
Song: Sooner Than Later by Drake

So can you do me a favor?
If I pull it together,
Make it sooner than later…
We won’t be here forever,
And I realize I waited too long….
But please don’t move on,
You don’t need no one else….

Why do people decide they want to change at the last minute? It is like right when you have one foot out of the door they have an epiphany. I remember trying to hold up my end of a relationship and when I finally got tired and started not caring, that is when things started to change. But it was a little too late. My desire to be in the relationship was zero. The history of our relationship and my love for him made it hard for me to end it. But it would not be fair to him and myself if I continued being in the relationship with no desire. I loved this dude with all my heart and still do, I always will …he is my first love. I find myself missing him…But sometimes things need to come to an end…

Newness

Mood: Thoughtful
Song: Newness by Musiq Soulchild

Everything is cool...

When Love is all Brand new....

Cause you learning me and I am learning you...

I love to learn in general. I stay in the library. When I find a topic interesting, I like to research it on my own...even buy the book. It's the same way when it comes to a guy. If I find that guy interesting, I like to ask questions. I feel like alot of young women don't ask enough questions initially and then they get caught up emotionally and find out little surprises after they are in too deep. I know that a person can be a good actor but if you keep your eyes open, they will slip up eventually.

One guy said it felt kind of like a interrogation one time when I was talking to him....But the thing was I was just asking questions about him as a person...it was not questions like, "How much money you make?", "What kind of car you have?". I told him that I found him interesting which is a good thing. Plus the questions that I asked him I would answer myself.

I am a very private person by nature and very selective who my business to (I know I have a blog, but nobody is going to read it unless they find it which I doubt or I give them the link). I consider myself very open and honest once a person has my trust. I have also been told that I have a nature about me that makes it comfortable for a person to tell me things. I understand that some people are more private about their business based on their experiences and upbringing....but how do you expect me to get to know you without asking questions? I know that through spending time with each other and having random conversations that you find out new things but its just in my nature to ask questions. All I am saying is that if a women is asking you questions about you as a person, she may just be genuinely interested with no ulterior motive....

The Single Life

Mood: Still Spaced out
Song: I Need Love Lloyd ft Dream

Soooo....I have been single for officially 4 months now. Never thought in a million years that I would not still be with my ex....We met in undergrad. He was my first love. I guess there comes a time when two people grow apart, its a part of life. I am actually taking it better than I thought I would. At one point of time I thought that I could not live without him, but I am proud to say that I can. Its not good to think like that anyway, you should not be so co-dependent on a person.

Being in the single world made me realize something though. Not ALL....but alot guys in my generation are real lazy when it comes to dating/relationships. Its seems like they don't want to work for anything....Now I understand that women are to blame to a certain extent...We have accepted certain behaviors that should not be accepted. I am still pretty young, but I am pretty much in the mid 20 range now...which means enough of the games.

I am at the stage where I am open to meeting new people. I guess that urge comes from being in a relationship from age 18-23. The guy I was with is a really great person. I can say that have had a chance to be with someone who did treat me good. Since I have been treated good in the past, I can tell when a guy is a good one or being a jerk. But I do have a weakness for those attractive, intelligent types....

When it comes to men, character is a biggie for me. When I say that "It's the little things that count.", I mean it. I observe how thoughtful the guy is to me and others. I observe how they treat their family and friends. I observe how honest they can be with me. One thing my mother told me that I live by is to make sure that the man I choose to be with naturally treats me the way I want to be treated. There are alot (not all!) of young men out here that do not know how to treat a lady. I am talking about the basics like opening the door, carrying bags that you may be struggling with, etc. which is a shame! It starts at home and if I have sons, I will make sure that I raise them to be gentlemen and respectful. I don't want my sons to be a burden on their wives. I want them to know how to respond to women. But I think that alot of mothers enable their sons, which is why some act the way they act. I am not trying to place the blame completely on women....but as a young lady, I am now realizing that women have more control than some of us realize....

First Blog

Mood: Spaced out
Song: Uptown by Drake ft Lil Wayne and Bun B

So I am sitting in the library, bored as hell. I did not get up until 2:00 pm. I know, that is real lazy, but I have been real spaced out today. Lately there has been alot on my mind which is the reason why I am starting this blog. Since it is almost the end of my first summer semester at grad school, I have a little more free time. I find myself at the park lately, just thinking alot. Thinking about my future, thinking will I find a decent guy one day, thinking about making money, you know the usual when you have nothing but time on your hands. I have been having this urge to write down my thoughts while at the park so that is where the idea of a blog came from. Well I feel like I am just rambling and you will find out more about me as time progress.

Tink signing off...