I have been MIA for so long. My life has been quite busy. Alot has happened since my last post. I am on Spring break and have been doing some thinking. I am noticing that I am subconsciously keeping a distance from the guys I encounter. I am a very emotional person but I come off pretty aloof, especially when I am getting to know somone. But once I let someone completely in, they are in and they know it. But I am a very open person. Its kind of like a confusing inner struggle that I understand, but can't quite explain. Its like I love closeness...but I keep people at arms length bc I want to keep my individuality. I find that I rather have a relationship with a person who does not live in the city that I am in...I don't know why but I feel like it would be easier. It does not have to be too far away...but far enough to have a sense of "self". I am becoming the person that I did not get a long time ago...But then again...that was me all along, it was just hidden to the point to where I did not understand or like that behavior. Now I understand it,so I accept it for what it is. I swear sometimes relationships cause you to put up defense mechanisms that u never intend to. Good thing I am recognizing them and trying to balance it out.
I actually visited my ex literally a year after we broke up. We did cross the line and he is still in love with me its obvious. I love him, but not to the extent as I did before. He was my first love so the love will always be there. He told me he wanted to be with me but I told him I can not be in a relationship with him. One thing I will say is that our energy is harmonious, always been that way. I turn into a baby around him bc he treats me that way...lol. I told him that, he smiled and said bc u are my baby...its sweet but make me uneasy...bc I know that it can not be the way he wants it to be. Timing is everything. Plus I intend on doing Peace Corps after graduation too...so I am prepping myself for the leaving now mentally.
Plus I would be lying if someone that I met last summer don't cross my mind time to time. I think its best if I just keep it light and have no pressure with the guys i meet. I want to be married but no time soon.
