Since I sleep at odd hours, I tend to be up watching the videos on vh1. This song called Eet by Regina Spektor really resonates within me.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Miss January
That is the song that my ex said is dedicated to me... We talked on the phone for a long time. He just really needed someone to talk to. Believe it or not I am very nuturing and good at talking to those that need that good talk.It showed me that guys are really emotional, but he is just a little more comfortable with showing his compared to others. We had a real interesting conversation, he was comfortable enough to even talk about girls with me. Its weird but it is not (because I was giving him advice)...he is such a nice guy when it comes to girls. It made me think about our past and what I have learned. I told him some of my frustrations when it comes to guys because he knows that I am pretty straight forward, I express exactly what I feel for the most part, I sometimes have the tendancy to be all or nothing. But this convo made me think about what I will and will not do in the future. He is a good guy that can be hard on himself. You know I had to look up that song tho :). Its bittersweet, the whole convo was bittersweet. You know, like the Leona Lewis song, Better with time...thought I couldn't live without you, its gonna hurt when it heals too. I feel that statement very much. Of course I am going through the healing process...but its bittersweet...you feel me...It kind of hard to explain.
Monday Morning
So I just woke up not too long ago. Slept ok but dreamed about someone. I can't get them out of my head, I guess it will get easier with time. It's amazing how people can have a major impact on your life and don't realize how big it was. Or maybe they do but too afraid to face it. Seriously if I told my whole story you would be like wow. And I am talking about the changes that I have felt inside, not necessarily the person, although they help trigger these changes. I have learned that when it comes to love, you should not have expectations. We are taught to love at the expectation level...which is why we have so much pain when a relationship ends...More relationship would last if we did not look at love at the expectation level. But that is what society teaches us to love from.
I understand why people are so wrapped up in having labels in relationships when they are not married. Its the feeling of being exclusive and being with that one and only. But I also understand why some people don't care for labels. But you know society set up labels and boxes to put people in so it won't be "confusing". The problem with having the labels is that people come into these relationships with expectations and obligations...many times unrealistic. Then when things don't fall through, they are hurt, angry, in pain, feel betrayed. In a way you kind of set youself up for that (although)its unintentional because you put so much expectations on that one person who is not obligated to live up to those expectations. I don't care if yall made an agreement, at the end of the day its not a contract and you all most likely are not married. I am talking strictly about those not married in this blog entry.
Many times people come into these relationships not loving themselves and expect that other person to fill them up with love. Love should have already been there in the first place. Two people searching for the other to fill up that love is a disaster in the making. Two people should be sharing the love that they already have. You should not go into these situations expecting anything from eachother, it should already come from within. People have pain because many times they put all these expectations on this one person. I do think that pain is important because then we heal. It is not easy to get to that point of no expectations.
I think people want labels because they are afraid of losing that person, losing the love. So if they have this label, for some reason its a little better. Love does not fear. You should not fear losing the love because it should already come from inside. In a way, putting labels on things is like restricting eachother. Love is universal and should be shared not only between eachother but to everything. If the bond is strong enough, you will not doubt or worry and it will shine through (people will notice). When in these relationships, Is each person truly doing what they want? Many times no because they are trying to make the other person look at them in the positive light at all times. I want the person that I have a bond with to be truly happy and do what they want because they want to do that. Of course compromise is important but I am talking about the bigger picture.
That positive light that we are always trying to make sure people see us in was conditioned through our parents. Doing what our parents think is right of us instead of doing what we truly want to do. So in a way, that is learning to hate ourselves as harsh as it sounds. Many times parents do what they were taught. We learn to fear things that are part of who we really are. I am telling you, maybe its all in my head...but I think that I represent what the person that I can't get out of my head fear the most. I feel like they are running away from it. But the irony of it, I think that was what drew them to me in the first place...they felt that in my nature. But then again it could be all in my head...then I am like, all these changes I have gone through, it can't just be in my head.
As you can see I have alot of my mind. On top of that I woke up to six text messages from my ex because he is getting deployed in January and of course he is scared. It is his first time getting deployed. I am of course going to call him and try to make him feel a little better. I know he stills sees me the same way as he did when were in a relationship. But I will be there to support him as a friend and as a friend only.
I understand why people are so wrapped up in having labels in relationships when they are not married. Its the feeling of being exclusive and being with that one and only. But I also understand why some people don't care for labels. But you know society set up labels and boxes to put people in so it won't be "confusing". The problem with having the labels is that people come into these relationships with expectations and obligations...many times unrealistic. Then when things don't fall through, they are hurt, angry, in pain, feel betrayed. In a way you kind of set youself up for that (although)its unintentional because you put so much expectations on that one person who is not obligated to live up to those expectations. I don't care if yall made an agreement, at the end of the day its not a contract and you all most likely are not married. I am talking strictly about those not married in this blog entry.
Many times people come into these relationships not loving themselves and expect that other person to fill them up with love. Love should have already been there in the first place. Two people searching for the other to fill up that love is a disaster in the making. Two people should be sharing the love that they already have. You should not go into these situations expecting anything from eachother, it should already come from within. People have pain because many times they put all these expectations on this one person. I do think that pain is important because then we heal. It is not easy to get to that point of no expectations.
I think people want labels because they are afraid of losing that person, losing the love. So if they have this label, for some reason its a little better. Love does not fear. You should not fear losing the love because it should already come from inside. In a way, putting labels on things is like restricting eachother. Love is universal and should be shared not only between eachother but to everything. If the bond is strong enough, you will not doubt or worry and it will shine through (people will notice). When in these relationships, Is each person truly doing what they want? Many times no because they are trying to make the other person look at them in the positive light at all times. I want the person that I have a bond with to be truly happy and do what they want because they want to do that. Of course compromise is important but I am talking about the bigger picture.
That positive light that we are always trying to make sure people see us in was conditioned through our parents. Doing what our parents think is right of us instead of doing what we truly want to do. So in a way, that is learning to hate ourselves as harsh as it sounds. Many times parents do what they were taught. We learn to fear things that are part of who we really are. I am telling you, maybe its all in my head...but I think that I represent what the person that I can't get out of my head fear the most. I feel like they are running away from it. But the irony of it, I think that was what drew them to me in the first place...they felt that in my nature. But then again it could be all in my head...then I am like, all these changes I have gone through, it can't just be in my head.
As you can see I have alot of my mind. On top of that I woke up to six text messages from my ex because he is getting deployed in January and of course he is scared. It is his first time getting deployed. I am of course going to call him and try to make him feel a little better. I know he stills sees me the same way as he did when were in a relationship. But I will be there to support him as a friend and as a friend only.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Weekend Wrapup
I chilled as usual. Today was wash hair day. I think my hair is growing. I say that because I went natural about 3 years ago. The first year it grew fast after I finally cut the relaxed ends off. When it hit the 2nd year, it grew, but it seem at a slower pace. Since I have hit that third year, it seem to have increased in growth....my friend even took notice a couple of weeks ago. But I need to trim it. Anywayz I am pretty hungry, I need to eat something...
Musiq always makes me smile
Musiq always makes me smile
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Songs on my mind
Yesterday I pretty much was in the bed. I was inducted into Alpha Chi National Honor society. It was overall nice. Many things on my mind lately. Today while laying in my bed these songs came to my head...
5 Steps-Dru Hill
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEvpuhdhT0I
Jodeci's Cry for You randomly comes in my head too
5 Steps-Dru Hill
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEvpuhdhT0I
Jodeci's Cry for You randomly comes in my head too
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Feeling
I am feeling a little better. I am trying to take the time get back in balance and focus. I have so much to say...I am an open book in general but cannot really express it right now. I think its bc someone is holding back how they feel and I am feelng that. There nothing is wrong with opening up, expressing yourself and tapping into that emotional side. I go crazy if I don't express myself.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Pensive
I need to definitely fall back.
My ass is trippin big time.
I wish I can explain what I am feeling right now, but I am confused my damn self.
That is exactly what I told my long time high school guy friend through a text.
He text me right on time bc I was getting upset.
We did not talk about what I was feeling but you know how someone calls or text you and it distracts you...thats what happened.
You ever heard that saying, The heart has reasons that reason does not understand....well that kind of explains how I am feeling.
So its hard to explain to just anybody. I am sure those that I would choose to tell this too would try to understand.
But I rather express what I am truly feeling to someone who really does understand.
Its too personal for me to even grasp at the moment.
And to think that I was doing okay for a minute.
I knew everyday was not going to be easy but I feel like I am back to square one.
The heart has reasons that reason does not understand...
My ass is trippin big time.
I wish I can explain what I am feeling right now, but I am confused my damn self.
That is exactly what I told my long time high school guy friend through a text.
He text me right on time bc I was getting upset.
We did not talk about what I was feeling but you know how someone calls or text you and it distracts you...thats what happened.
You ever heard that saying, The heart has reasons that reason does not understand....well that kind of explains how I am feeling.
So its hard to explain to just anybody. I am sure those that I would choose to tell this too would try to understand.
But I rather express what I am truly feeling to someone who really does understand.
Its too personal for me to even grasp at the moment.
And to think that I was doing okay for a minute.
I knew everyday was not going to be easy but I feel like I am back to square one.
The heart has reasons that reason does not understand...
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The 90s girl
So I am on youtube and watching tv at the same time. I was thinking about the 90's...How the women in the music industry had a edge, a rawness that is so missing now. Back when girls did not have to show much...they can show the tummy with baggy jacket, jeans, and boots and still have alot of sex appeal. Everybody now is focused on being a diva, which nothing is wrong with that. I mean that is what is in now. But I do miss it the realness from the older days. I would blend right in with the 90's. That was such a down to earth time. The 90's bring back the fond memories of my childhood. Although brandy had that girl next door image, she still had a down to earth rawness also. It also seem like there was more of a sisterhood back in the day vs now...
Ramblings part II
So I am getting inducted into Alpha Chi National Honor Society next tuesday and just came back from a rehearsal. Not that many people showed up but apparently its gonna be 35 of us. Friends and family are invited and of course i doubt that my fam will be able to make it and I have only one good friend. I can invite my roommate also. Sometimes I think about how nice it would be to have a SO there to support me also...yall know what I mean...I guess its the libra in me, Im a leo but I have alot of libra in my birthchart. But I am still proud of myself and still will accept my honor with pride :).
Monday, October 12, 2009
Ramblings
The inet is finally back up. It was out all weekend, the blog that I put up before this one was typed at the library. This past weekend was another quiet one. I went to the park this weekend for a minute. I was watching the countdown of the top 100 hip hop songs of all time on vh1. It was a good countdown, brung back alot of memories. One thing that Mc Lyte said I completely agree with...The question was asked what do you miss about hip hop and she said the storytelling. That is very true.
I watched Higher Learning too. I still can't believe my mom took me and my sis to see that movie when I was nine. But then again I am glad I did. But its amazing what you pick up on when you get older, that movie had so much symbolism in it. I could not watch the end though. I went to my friend's apt when the shooting was about to start. It was good to catch up with her, I had not really been socializing that much. Plus she fed me, that was cool :). We watched role models, which I saw with my ex but I half watched it when I saw it with him bc I was mad at him. But its a silly movie. Then right when I was about to leave, bc it was late, Pee Wee's Big Adventure came on MTV. I loved that movie as a little girl. My two favorite movies at age 4 was that and Disorderlies.
While on the verge to leave bc I was getting sleepy...it was almost 2 AM, I looked at my phone and saw that I got a text from someone I did not expect to get a text from. I have reached out to this person so many times and sometimes they responded, sometimes they did not. I sent them a message on facebook (no not my ex) so they may have read it, who knows. But I was surprised...they wanted me to come see them but I could not. I would have but it was just not a good time. The irony with this is remember I said the number 11 always follows me...well it was the 11th and the day I went to see them for the first time it was the 11th. I have talked about this person alot "discretely" in my blogs. This person is one of those damn people that make you break all of the "typical rules" when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. But then again, the situation with them is quite different, its hard to explain....
I watched Higher Learning too. I still can't believe my mom took me and my sis to see that movie when I was nine. But then again I am glad I did. But its amazing what you pick up on when you get older, that movie had so much symbolism in it. I could not watch the end though. I went to my friend's apt when the shooting was about to start. It was good to catch up with her, I had not really been socializing that much. Plus she fed me, that was cool :). We watched role models, which I saw with my ex but I half watched it when I saw it with him bc I was mad at him. But its a silly movie. Then right when I was about to leave, bc it was late, Pee Wee's Big Adventure came on MTV. I loved that movie as a little girl. My two favorite movies at age 4 was that and Disorderlies.
While on the verge to leave bc I was getting sleepy...it was almost 2 AM, I looked at my phone and saw that I got a text from someone I did not expect to get a text from. I have reached out to this person so many times and sometimes they responded, sometimes they did not. I sent them a message on facebook (no not my ex) so they may have read it, who knows. But I was surprised...they wanted me to come see them but I could not. I would have but it was just not a good time. The irony with this is remember I said the number 11 always follows me...well it was the 11th and the day I went to see them for the first time it was the 11th. I have talked about this person alot "discretely" in my blogs. This person is one of those damn people that make you break all of the "typical rules" when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. But then again, the situation with them is quite different, its hard to explain....
Saturday, October 10, 2009
My thoughts on the start of the weekend
I am slowly getting out of the cocoon that I have been in for the past month. Last night I was sleeping and heard a knock on my door. At first I thought it was the neighbors bc they have the tendancy to always be loud. But then I realized that the knocking was coming from my door and I heard a girl's voice. Mind you it is late. Well I get up bc the banging is loud and it seem like somebody was trying to get in. I thought that maybe someone was drunk and was trying to get in the wrong room. I look through the peep hole and it was some chick banging on my door, pacing at my door, on the phone crying saying lord tell me you lying over and over again...she aint answering the door, then she says to the person on the phone, I'll make it up to you...then she walks off crying on the phone.
Now I am like what the fuck? I look at the clock, it say 2:11 AM...that 11 number is always following me. I am like who is she and I doubt my roommate knows her, we are drama free compared to the other people who bring their drama to the apartment dorm. I am laying down thinking...bc my ass was peacefully sleep and I was woken up...I look at the clock again, its 2:37...numbers with 7 have been following me alot lately.
So I am sitting there thinking, thinking...why is this chick knocking on our door...we don't associate really with nobody in the apt dorm, just say hey how you doing...my roommate is always at her man's house at night. The girl on the phone sounded like she was talking to a guy. Then I thought maybe I should have opened the door, but ever since I was in undergrad and I lived in a off campus apartment, I always told myself to never open the door for anybody I did not recognize, especially at night. This chick was knocking on my door like she was on a mission to find out something. I don't associate with nobody like that in my apartment dorm. Then I was thinking, the only person I dealt with is in a neighboring city and go to a neighboring HBCU and they come off as very selective and discrete (like me) when is comes to people they mess with. I know he would not mess with no messy chick who is banging on my door at 2 AM. But then again who really knows bc guys can shock the hell out of you. And I have not seen his butt since the summer...See my imagination was running wild...Well there is nothing that I can do now.
One thing I learn is to not depend on people to pay you back for things, even if you trust them. Let's just say that I am losing my patience with my ex and I will be giving him a little piece of my mind on facebook.
Have a great Saturday everyone...I am going to the park to think.
Now I am like what the fuck? I look at the clock, it say 2:11 AM...that 11 number is always following me. I am like who is she and I doubt my roommate knows her, we are drama free compared to the other people who bring their drama to the apartment dorm. I am laying down thinking...bc my ass was peacefully sleep and I was woken up...I look at the clock again, its 2:37...numbers with 7 have been following me alot lately.
So I am sitting there thinking, thinking...why is this chick knocking on our door...we don't associate really with nobody in the apt dorm, just say hey how you doing...my roommate is always at her man's house at night. The girl on the phone sounded like she was talking to a guy. Then I thought maybe I should have opened the door, but ever since I was in undergrad and I lived in a off campus apartment, I always told myself to never open the door for anybody I did not recognize, especially at night. This chick was knocking on my door like she was on a mission to find out something. I don't associate with nobody like that in my apartment dorm. Then I was thinking, the only person I dealt with is in a neighboring city and go to a neighboring HBCU and they come off as very selective and discrete (like me) when is comes to people they mess with. I know he would not mess with no messy chick who is banging on my door at 2 AM. But then again who really knows bc guys can shock the hell out of you. And I have not seen his butt since the summer...See my imagination was running wild...Well there is nothing that I can do now.
One thing I learn is to not depend on people to pay you back for things, even if you trust them. Let's just say that I am losing my patience with my ex and I will be giving him a little piece of my mind on facebook.
Have a great Saturday everyone...I am going to the park to think.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Journey of the Soul
During my journey of becoming aware, I have had to face and (still facing) my ego. As I said in a past blog entry, Its something that we all are born with and it grows through time. Ego is not a bad thing, its part of you, but you should not allow it to take over to the point where it affects your relationship with others and most importantly the relationship with your self.
When I was having those dreams with alot of symbolism, one meaning of it represented getting back to a place of innnocence, being childlike. That place where you just see things for what they are and do not judge. God is just like that to me, accepts everyone for who they are. Nobody is put in boxes and labels are not made. It is just what it is. As a person gets older and go through experiences good and bad, we all know our innocence gets chipped away little by little. Sometimes to the point that we forget who we really are. Things such as doubt, fear, greed, selfishness gets in the way of relationships with others including ourselves.
But like Steve Gunn said:
I always say to people that i think God has a pretty cool way to wake us up to that and its through soul connections. The "soul shock" as i called it is just that. An electric bolt to wake us up from the prison of our mental consciousness and put us back in touch with the divine from where we came and where we return.
During those early stages for me I kept asking those questions of why why why? Like your younger sibling who wants to know everything and everybody.
Musiq soulchild love is the perfect song to describe what I have been going through.
Love
So many things I've got to tell you
But I'm afraid I don't know how
Cause there's a possibility
You'll look at me differently
Love
Ever since the first moment I spoke your name
From then on I knew that by you being in my life
Things were destined to change...
We meet people for a reason and I met a person that triggered me to wake up. And yes I do believe the universe or God whatever terminology you like to use, set that up.
And many times at the drop of a hat, that same person person disappears. Then I started having dreams which triggered me to ask why why why? I wanted find the answers.
Many days I've longed for you
Wanting you
Hoping for the chance to get to know you
Longing for your kiss
For your touch, your feel, your essence
Many nights I've cried from the things you do
Felt like I could die from the thought of losing you
I know that you're real
With no doubts and no fears
And no questions
You go to a period of sadness and pain because that person is not here and you do not know why you want them there with you...they don't know you! Logic comes in and you try to forget because its just another person, they come and go...But you just can't shake it! But You know what you feel inside. That pain is part of the waking up process.
At first you didn't mean that much to me
But now I know that you're all I need
The world looks so brand new to me
Now that I found love
Everyday I live for you
And everything that I do
I do it for you
What I say is how I feel so believe it's true
You got to know I'm true
You go through the healing process which includes alot of self reflection. Looking within and discovering who you really are. Connecting closer to God. You learn uncondtional love...love without need because you seek it from yourself. You learn to have faith. You learn to trust yourself and to face all of your fears. You learn to accept things for what they are. How you view things is different from before and you know that you cannot go back to what that was.
Once you get to that point of acceptance, many times that same person that triggered you to start asking those questions why why why reconnect right back to you. Even if its not necessarily on a physical plane, its still in the heart...and you are ok with that.
Happiness comes from within a sense of purpose, a sense of being connected...oneness. And that oneness comes from a journey through want and need and pain to acceptance and unconditional love.
-Steve Gunn
God is Love :).
When I was having those dreams with alot of symbolism, one meaning of it represented getting back to a place of innnocence, being childlike. That place where you just see things for what they are and do not judge. God is just like that to me, accepts everyone for who they are. Nobody is put in boxes and labels are not made. It is just what it is. As a person gets older and go through experiences good and bad, we all know our innocence gets chipped away little by little. Sometimes to the point that we forget who we really are. Things such as doubt, fear, greed, selfishness gets in the way of relationships with others including ourselves.
But like Steve Gunn said:
I always say to people that i think God has a pretty cool way to wake us up to that and its through soul connections. The "soul shock" as i called it is just that. An electric bolt to wake us up from the prison of our mental consciousness and put us back in touch with the divine from where we came and where we return.
During those early stages for me I kept asking those questions of why why why? Like your younger sibling who wants to know everything and everybody.
Musiq soulchild love is the perfect song to describe what I have been going through.
Love
So many things I've got to tell you
But I'm afraid I don't know how
Cause there's a possibility
You'll look at me differently
Love
Ever since the first moment I spoke your name
From then on I knew that by you being in my life
Things were destined to change...
We meet people for a reason and I met a person that triggered me to wake up. And yes I do believe the universe or God whatever terminology you like to use, set that up.
And many times at the drop of a hat, that same person person disappears. Then I started having dreams which triggered me to ask why why why? I wanted find the answers.
Many days I've longed for you
Wanting you
Hoping for the chance to get to know you
Longing for your kiss
For your touch, your feel, your essence
Many nights I've cried from the things you do
Felt like I could die from the thought of losing you
I know that you're real
With no doubts and no fears
And no questions
You go to a period of sadness and pain because that person is not here and you do not know why you want them there with you...they don't know you! Logic comes in and you try to forget because its just another person, they come and go...But you just can't shake it! But You know what you feel inside. That pain is part of the waking up process.
At first you didn't mean that much to me
But now I know that you're all I need
The world looks so brand new to me
Now that I found love
Everyday I live for you
And everything that I do
I do it for you
What I say is how I feel so believe it's true
You got to know I'm true
You go through the healing process which includes alot of self reflection. Looking within and discovering who you really are. Connecting closer to God. You learn uncondtional love...love without need because you seek it from yourself. You learn to have faith. You learn to trust yourself and to face all of your fears. You learn to accept things for what they are. How you view things is different from before and you know that you cannot go back to what that was.
Once you get to that point of acceptance, many times that same person that triggered you to start asking those questions why why why reconnect right back to you. Even if its not necessarily on a physical plane, its still in the heart...and you are ok with that.
Happiness comes from within a sense of purpose, a sense of being connected...oneness. And that oneness comes from a journey through want and need and pain to acceptance and unconditional love.
-Steve Gunn
God is Love :).
Imsomnia
My sleeping patterns have changed drastically. Its after midnight. I have a hard time falling asleep. I wonder why…
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Logic vs Heart
I have always been taught to use logic when it comes to relationships. But I am learning that sometimes when you try to, it makes things even more confusing. Our ancestors were more in tune with the universe. They followed their heart and intuition for daily living. Don't get it twisted, its important to be logical but sometimes I feel like people forget about that other part of them that is way stronger...that sixth sense.
You have those relationship books but I am learning that you should just go off your experiences and what is in your heart. I am one of those people that listen to my heart first and then integrate logic. Some people are more detached and go strictly off logic and some just go completely off emotion.
See I feel like I am in a situation where I feel something in the heart but actions are showing opposite. Now using logic I would say, I am being delusional. But my heart feels something else.
Plus I feel certain numbers are following me and reminders of this person keep popping up out of no where. Its almost like they are where I am, following me. Now if I analyze this logically I would think that I am a nutcase and thinking too much. But numbers are energy...our birthdates are energy, our names are energy. Those numbers are following me to the point where I get frustrated because I want to know what exactly it means.
I am glad for the transition that I am going through, its a definite learning experience. But sometimes I say why me? Life is more enriched now, but at the same time confusing.
You have those relationship books but I am learning that you should just go off your experiences and what is in your heart. I am one of those people that listen to my heart first and then integrate logic. Some people are more detached and go strictly off logic and some just go completely off emotion.
See I feel like I am in a situation where I feel something in the heart but actions are showing opposite. Now using logic I would say, I am being delusional. But my heart feels something else.
Plus I feel certain numbers are following me and reminders of this person keep popping up out of no where. Its almost like they are where I am, following me. Now if I analyze this logically I would think that I am a nutcase and thinking too much. But numbers are energy...our birthdates are energy, our names are energy. Those numbers are following me to the point where I get frustrated because I want to know what exactly it means.
I am glad for the transition that I am going through, its a definite learning experience. But sometimes I say why me? Life is more enriched now, but at the same time confusing.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Its Officially Fall (A time of reflection)
The fall season is here and it snuck up on us. Its already October. Summer is a thing of the past and now it is time to reflect on life. Most people think that fall is the time to be on the grind (which you should always be reaching for your goals) but its really a time for reflection...think of the season where the farmers harvest their crops.
The last few months has been a very introspective and reflective time for me. I find myself being more of a hermit than usual...lol. For a person like me, I am already a introvert so its almost feeling alienated. My hair is not liking it one bit!
The weather has definitely changed drastically. It went from hot to cool really quick...haven't you all notice. People are feeling tired and getting sick. Its because they are not taking the time to relax and reflect.
My journey through my awakening has only just begun. Everyday I actually learn something new. Things that I use to be interested in don't appeal to me as much as it use to. School is starting to become a bore (Gasp). If I had never had to worry about money, you know what I would do? I would travel all around the world and learn something new everyday. Get a feel of different cultures. Particularly with a lover who has the same desire also. I would engage in metaphysics and spiritality on a more advanced level. I would also tap into my creative side with music and arts or just embrace the art of it all (through going to shows, museums, and art galleries). That is what my heart wants.
But I am definitely where a person best stated as "the in-between stage" right now. I know I can't go back to my old beliefs and ways but I am still trying to figure out where I really want to go. Words cannot even describe the things that I am experiencing. And I laugh at those who wish they can find a "soulmate". Its not something that you go looking for, it finds you. And the relationship with that person is unconventional, meaning its definitely not like the movies. Its a very challenging situation and the relationship can be hard to explain to someone if there is even a relationship.
Alot of people who have true soul connections are not physically with the soul mate. I don't even like to use the term soul mate bc the way society has made it into a fairy tale meaning. So I say soul connection. A true connection is established when two souls have a vibratory resonance. Its kind of like when you are flipping through radio stations and you are trying to tune it to the right frequency. The right spot of that frequency where you can hear the music is similar to when two souls are connected. Its a sense of oneness...their conciousness are merging together. The connection is strong to the point where you can sense eachother's thoughts and feelings. The vibration of the souls connecting is intensified and enriched beyond what it was to begin with.
You are pretty much one in the same but you both bring out a part of eachother that was forgotten. You two are alike bc you are one in the soul....like attract like....but there is polarity which draws you two together like a magnet. Meeting eachother is predestined and its not like any other relationship you had before (keep in mind the relationship does not have to be romantic but in many cases it turns into one). Steven Gunn said it best...The love was there before you two met rather than love growing with time (I am paraphrasing). Its unconditional love, its loving every part of that person just because. Its loving without need, want, desire. One of my favorite old school tracks says it best..."Sometimes I just can't help thinking living without you baby, see sometimes, I just can't live crying about you baby.Im not worry about a doggone thing, I'll take anything you bring. Although I love the sunshine, I'll still accept the rain." ("I call your name" by Switch).
Someone said it best...when you go through this experience, you view music lyrics and poetry differently and you realize what you thought was a deep feeling was actually superficial. You learn more about yourself as a person and you evaluate alot of what you have been taught. You learn to trust...You learn to trust yourself :). You learn that the physical part of you is just that, the physical. We are all connected to eachother, we are all energy that make up the universe. Steven Gunn explained this very well. The soul connection brings you back to the feeling of oneness...the physical body gives you the illusion that we are our own seperate thoughts and feelings...so we only are only concerned with our personal desires. But the awakening makes you realize that we are part of a whole and it expands our love and understanding for not only ourself, but for everything (people, animals, nature=universe).
The journey is an interesting one and it has just begun. Steven Gunn also talks about the runners. The ones that try to block that intensity that they clearly feel, but they fear it for whatever reasons suit their upbringing. It must be tough to be a runner. I just hope that all the runners learn to trust themselves. Edited to add: Being apart is actually a good thing bc it gives us both time to make sense of it all :). You can't run from destiny forever, it will catch up with you. Steven Gunn said it best:
I always say to people that i think God has a pretty cool way to wake us up to that and its through soul connections. The "soul shock" as i called it is just that. An electric bolt to wake us up from the prison of our mental consciousness and put us back in touch with the divine from where we came and where we return. BUT we also aren’t isolated from it here and now, we are just hampered by having a physical presence and physical consciousness called thought reality....
So the reason for soul connections is a continuation. Death is no end. So when we reincarnate if the script hasn’t concluded in the past life it continues in this one. The recognition, the feelings of knowing and the immense feeling of destiny at work, all are the big clues to that continuation.
Even when the runner runs, do we really feel that’s the end ? No. That’s where all the 'insanity' comes in. The runner may even deny everything but that voice inside shouts "this isn’t over". Is it all about the relationship and happiness on this physical plane, no. That’s part of it but this bigger picture is about our path, our spiritual progress, learning development, self awareness, self love - the whole thing.
Its only though this soul shock that we really experience the power of destiny, the fact that some things are just completely undeniable despite what i, them or this or that person thinks. If you doubt it just feel the pull, the pain, the immensity of the sensations to see just a small example of the powers of destiny.
Happiness comes from within a sense of purpose, a sense of being connected...oneness. And that oneness comes from a journey through want and need and pain to acceptance and unconditional love.
-Steven Gunn
The last few months has been a very introspective and reflective time for me. I find myself being more of a hermit than usual...lol. For a person like me, I am already a introvert so its almost feeling alienated. My hair is not liking it one bit!
The weather has definitely changed drastically. It went from hot to cool really quick...haven't you all notice. People are feeling tired and getting sick. Its because they are not taking the time to relax and reflect.
My journey through my awakening has only just begun. Everyday I actually learn something new. Things that I use to be interested in don't appeal to me as much as it use to. School is starting to become a bore (Gasp). If I had never had to worry about money, you know what I would do? I would travel all around the world and learn something new everyday. Get a feel of different cultures. Particularly with a lover who has the same desire also. I would engage in metaphysics and spiritality on a more advanced level. I would also tap into my creative side with music and arts or just embrace the art of it all (through going to shows, museums, and art galleries). That is what my heart wants.
But I am definitely where a person best stated as "the in-between stage" right now. I know I can't go back to my old beliefs and ways but I am still trying to figure out where I really want to go. Words cannot even describe the things that I am experiencing. And I laugh at those who wish they can find a "soulmate". Its not something that you go looking for, it finds you. And the relationship with that person is unconventional, meaning its definitely not like the movies. Its a very challenging situation and the relationship can be hard to explain to someone if there is even a relationship.
Alot of people who have true soul connections are not physically with the soul mate. I don't even like to use the term soul mate bc the way society has made it into a fairy tale meaning. So I say soul connection. A true connection is established when two souls have a vibratory resonance. Its kind of like when you are flipping through radio stations and you are trying to tune it to the right frequency. The right spot of that frequency where you can hear the music is similar to when two souls are connected. Its a sense of oneness...their conciousness are merging together. The connection is strong to the point where you can sense eachother's thoughts and feelings. The vibration of the souls connecting is intensified and enriched beyond what it was to begin with.
You are pretty much one in the same but you both bring out a part of eachother that was forgotten. You two are alike bc you are one in the soul....like attract like....but there is polarity which draws you two together like a magnet. Meeting eachother is predestined and its not like any other relationship you had before (keep in mind the relationship does not have to be romantic but in many cases it turns into one). Steven Gunn said it best...The love was there before you two met rather than love growing with time (I am paraphrasing). Its unconditional love, its loving every part of that person just because. Its loving without need, want, desire. One of my favorite old school tracks says it best..."Sometimes I just can't help thinking living without you baby, see sometimes, I just can't live crying about you baby.Im not worry about a doggone thing, I'll take anything you bring. Although I love the sunshine, I'll still accept the rain." ("I call your name" by Switch).
Someone said it best...when you go through this experience, you view music lyrics and poetry differently and you realize what you thought was a deep feeling was actually superficial. You learn more about yourself as a person and you evaluate alot of what you have been taught. You learn to trust...You learn to trust yourself :). You learn that the physical part of you is just that, the physical. We are all connected to eachother, we are all energy that make up the universe. Steven Gunn explained this very well. The soul connection brings you back to the feeling of oneness...the physical body gives you the illusion that we are our own seperate thoughts and feelings...so we only are only concerned with our personal desires. But the awakening makes you realize that we are part of a whole and it expands our love and understanding for not only ourself, but for everything (people, animals, nature=universe).
The journey is an interesting one and it has just begun. Steven Gunn also talks about the runners. The ones that try to block that intensity that they clearly feel, but they fear it for whatever reasons suit their upbringing. It must be tough to be a runner. I just hope that all the runners learn to trust themselves. Edited to add: Being apart is actually a good thing bc it gives us both time to make sense of it all :). You can't run from destiny forever, it will catch up with you. Steven Gunn said it best:
I always say to people that i think God has a pretty cool way to wake us up to that and its through soul connections. The "soul shock" as i called it is just that. An electric bolt to wake us up from the prison of our mental consciousness and put us back in touch with the divine from where we came and where we return. BUT we also aren’t isolated from it here and now, we are just hampered by having a physical presence and physical consciousness called thought reality....
So the reason for soul connections is a continuation. Death is no end. So when we reincarnate if the script hasn’t concluded in the past life it continues in this one. The recognition, the feelings of knowing and the immense feeling of destiny at work, all are the big clues to that continuation.
Even when the runner runs, do we really feel that’s the end ? No. That’s where all the 'insanity' comes in. The runner may even deny everything but that voice inside shouts "this isn’t over". Is it all about the relationship and happiness on this physical plane, no. That’s part of it but this bigger picture is about our path, our spiritual progress, learning development, self awareness, self love - the whole thing.
Its only though this soul shock that we really experience the power of destiny, the fact that some things are just completely undeniable despite what i, them or this or that person thinks. If you doubt it just feel the pull, the pain, the immensity of the sensations to see just a small example of the powers of destiny.
Happiness comes from within a sense of purpose, a sense of being connected...oneness. And that oneness comes from a journey through want and need and pain to acceptance and unconditional love.
-Steven Gunn
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