Its one of those days

Hi guys! I hope you enjoyed your break. I went to Savannah for Thanksgiving and it was good to see my people. They are so funny and entertaining, its always love with them. One thing I notice is that my friends always assume that my family is reserved and chill like me. That statement is so far from the truth. They are the typical down to earth black family that like to play cards, smoke, drink, dance, and reminisce on the old times. They are truly funny, especially my Aunt and Uncles. I love how my uncle not only plays the music from the new jack swing era or just 90s in general (that brung me back to when we would have get togethers when I was a kid) but also the quality new music out now. It was good to see my mother, stepdad, and brother too. My mother was talking mess bc her amla mater beat my school for homecoming like I really care lol. It was great. I am thankful to have a good family.

I can't deny today is one of those days. I am just going to leave it at that. I tell you the most powerful forms of communication is the unspoken.

Sleepy

Its been a minute. I was planning on leaving to go to Savannah (my home town) today but I had a late night and I am tired. I don't feel like driving today. I am going to leave tomorrow morning early. My brain is scattered right now, I need to focus, especially since it is the end of the semester.

The past couple of nights have not been hard, but I have been feeling someone's energy, particularly at night. I know you may be wondering about what I mean by feeling someone's energy but I am kind of hesistant on discussing it. One thing I realize is that people are hesistant on trusting that intuition and when I discuss it some people think its weird or something to fear.

I love this new Lloyd Song. This is song is for that person :). Lloyd is underrated, all of his albums have been good.

How can you be content with being single?

I was asked this while during a convo on FB messenger. I was kind of surprised that I was asked that and even more surprised that a guy asked me that. I say that because to me guys "appear" to be content with being single. I think for the most part they are content.

I personally am ok with being single but you just have those moments when you would love to tell a companion about your day. The guy went on to say somebody could brighten up your life even more...but I told him, I have to be happy by myself too...he agreed.

I then started thinking to myself do I come off like that to people. Hmm I don't know. Our first homecoming event kicked off on thursday. We had the stepshow bc homecoming is always during thanksgiving. If you are familiar with HBCUs I am probably giving my school indentity away. It was entertaining but somebody was in the back of my head and no it was not the ex. Just being there at the stepshow reminded me of them. It was good be out with my friend and her roommates. We grabbed a bite to eat afterwards and just talked.

I was thinking today and I realize that I should be very thankful for what I have and where I am at. I may be on that journey to where I want to be and it may seem like its going to take forever to there, but I am still here.

Peace Corps

So I was talking on the phone with my mom talking to her about what I am now interested in now as far as my career path. She mentioned the Peace Corps came to her school, she is a guidance counselor. So I am doing my research and that sounds like a great plan for what I am interested in. Hopefully by the summer I will be somewhere overseas helping others :). I think the experience will be very interesting although I know I will have alot of adjustments to get use to. So it looks like I will be definitely taking a foreign language next semester. But now that I am thinking about it...They want you to serve for two years...after spring semester, I will only need two classes. Maybe I should wait until like August or September to go and graduate this summer...I have a feeling next semester is going to be so busy...

Who really reads your blogs?

I was thinking about that as I woke up in the middle of the night....

The reason why I began blogging was because I had so much on my mind and felt like I could not express everything to just one person. Over the summer alot of things mentally for me was transitioning and I found myself trying to find answers for why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I believe I mentioned in previous blogs that meeting someone triggered that in my opinion.

Since I am good at expressing myself with words, I decided to began a blog to have sort of an outlet you know. I sometimes read my old blogs and see how even though it has only been like 4 or 5 months, how I have changed my views on many things...how I am evolving. One thing about me, is that my mood change like every five minutes...lol. I am very influenced by my moods...I am what you call a feeler and is probably why I prefer small groups and absolute silence. I am very very sensitive to sound and people's energy. I am a INFP...Introverted Intuitive Feeling Percieving...They are considered the Idealist healer and its quite accurate. Its like there is a great sense of putting yourself in other people shoes without being biased, a drive to help people and make the world a better place (as cheesy as that sounds), and avoid conflict at all cost.

I am getting off topic...the point I am trying to make is that my feelings were all over the place and I had to realize that people energy's are just as strong as mine and I can pick it up a mile away. I am still learning to distinguish my feelings from others. I mean like for example one time, I was texting a friend and all of a sudden I was thinking about something and felt like I wanted to cry! I had no reason to want to cry...come to find out something was really bothering my friend.

All in all, these past few months many thoughts and beliefs that I have are changing and will continue to change...and alot of it has to do with my mood changing like the season...

Not that many people read my blog, I only gave my link out to a few people I knew and the online community that I am part of can have access to it. But I have been thinking about one of the people I gave my link out too...

Sometimes I wonder was that really a good idea...lol. The way this person has been iggin me I should not be worried, but sometimes you never know...The ones that appear to have you out of their radar sometimes be the one that is secretly keeping tabs on you. I may just be a little paranoid.

I am just saying, I never had a person ignore me to this extreme. I should just let it go I know, but I am like damn...is it that bad. I have always been considered one of the easiest people to talk to. I find people telling me things that they don't tell just anybody. I guess what I am trying to say is that they have no reason to really avoid me, I am very open. Or maybe the texts that I sent them did strike a chord...I am not saying that I am 100 percent accurate when I am feeling people out but I sent them some text...well a series of texts that described what I sensed from them...lol. Knowing what I know from this person...if what I said was true, which I feel is, it probably made them uncomfortable. You know the type of person that likes to be in control, I have always sensed that from them. The more you know about them, the more they feel you have "to use against them"=less control. Let me stop...I need to be doing something along the lines of psychology or human behavior...lol.

I don't know, I am just one of those people that let it be known that I won't be talking to you...I don't do the passive agressive thing and ignore. But everybody seems to do that, except me. But hey, I texted my dad two weeks ago and he just got back to me, he has been busy which is understandable...so I know people are busy. I guess its bothering me bc I HATE being ignored and I try my best not to ignore people intentionally, I rather just let you know that we will not be talking on a regular.

Rainy Day

Its so ugly outside, its been raining all day. Weather impacts my mood, but I am still thankful. The rain provides nutrients. I hope class get let out early. I am sitting here listening to Shadows...



Thinking about how fast this year went. I talked to my Nana on Sunday. It was good talking to her, I need to call her more often. She was joking with me and said that she thought that I was going to go off and get married. I was like no, we are not together anymore. Come to think about it I have not really told anybody in my family except my mom and sister about ending my relationship. Kind of prefered not to so. But now I am at the point where I am comfortable saying it so I know for Thanksgiving that will be the question some of my family is going to ask.

One thing I realize is that holidays was something that I spent with a Significant Other. Last Thanksgiving I had dinner with my ex, we were together, just he and I. I reminisce on the good memories but I don't want to be with him. I guess I just miss the companionship. I guess its the weather getting to me..lol...Like drake said, Come Winter (thats my fav song by him). Now I am going to have to fill up my long Christmas break with something to do. If funds were right, I would definitely treat myself with a real vacation.

Early Thursday Morning

So I am up early again. I am very pensive at the moment. I feel very unsettled...I guess unsettled about my life. There have been drastic changes on how I view many things. You know when you pretty much throw away not all but most of what you were taught and start new. When that happens, you realize that things that mattered to you are not important anymore. You find that your interests change...thoughts on your career paths change. I guess because you find yourself being real to what you really want in life. But in it brings confusion and fear. Confusion because what you thought was the path has changed and fear because you don't know what is to come. But what you are really fearing is fear within itself. I am currently getting my MS in Biology but now I feel like I should be overseas or doing something that requires me to move around. I feel like I should be learning more about the people, not just in the US but around the world. I have a interest in human motivation, behavior.I feel like I should be doing something that will be progessive for the world. I guess I am in the stages of figuring out what I truly want right now.

Ending my relationship earlier this year has shifted alot of things. I find that there has been alot of growth and progression. But then I guess on another level I feel like I am not necessarily stuck but not at a place where I think I should be. I know many people have their lists of what they want or don't want from a mate. Many people hoping and wishing that person will come into their life yesterday. I am human and for those who are big on astrology, I have strong Libra aspects in my birthchart. Libra Represents partnership. But I know that in order for me to be in any kind of "relatonship" with someone I have to be completely happy with myself. I have to be look at myself from the outside in and say, would I "date" myself. I say naw, and its not because I think lowly of myself...There is only one me and I happy that I am me...but I got to get my ish together. I say no because I am still trying to figure out who I am and what I am going to do. It takes alot to actually admit that but its truth.

So I was thinking about this and then I watch this video come on and I am like OMG. I love Trey Songz, the model was very lucky :). Shout out to all the natural hair girls of the world :).

"That Magic"

So I am up at a early hour, but I went to sleep pretty early. I am in alot of pain...for some reason I am sore all over. Maybe I should take some vitamins. Anyway I am on youtube and I see that ihustlenation posted another vlog called "That Magic". Its of course a great vid discussing the common sense things that we should already know.



This video got me thinking about my blog that discusses loving on a expectation level. You know how people go out their way to show a person ONLY the good side of them...only for the person to end up being disappointed in the end bc things are not what they seem. We have all experienced this on some level. We all set ourselves up for that disappointment in a way also.

My most recent experience was over the summer. I set myself up for that shit. I was highly disappointed to say the least and I try not to think about it for too long bc I get mad...lol. Despite the situation though, I don't hate the person, I actually would accept them with open arms. I have nothing but love for them and would accept them flaws and all.I have learned that its important to just see things for what they are. Although its wrong to decieve or only show what you want to see, society kind of set it up that way. The society is set up to make us focus on how others percieve us.

What drew me to that particular person was more than just how they looked, but I could not deny how attractive this person was. But I was taught another lesson on how looks definitely do not matter. The physical part of you is just that the physical. So many of us get caught up in the physical part of life that we forget about our soul, the higher self, our intuition.

So that is one of the major reasons why relationships fail. We chose to disclose important information about ourselves because we want the person to see what we want them to see. I say this with seriousness. I want the truth, don't sugarcoat anything for me. I rather a guy be honest with me but I know alot of people say that most women can't handle the truth. Well my ass have no problem telling how I feel, especially to those close to me. My ex told me that he never had to doubt how I felt about something, sometimes it was piercing though he said...whatever that meant. I remember the guy from the summer told me, "I am trying to spare your feelings". I said, "Spare my feelings(in a WTF way)? I just want to know the truth." I want the truth even if it hurts, even if my pride gets bruised. But I understand that the truth is sometimes hard to swallow. But it would not be hard to swallow if we all just accept things for what they are.

Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop

I love this song! I always wondered who sung this song bc its on that one commercial...I was watching vh1 and it came on. Very sweet song.