I will finish my graduate studies at THE Alabama State University in August 2011 and walk across the stage December 2011.
I will have a closer relationship with God.
I will Fall in love and have someone who will love me for who I am. The next person I decide to become serious with will be my husband.
I will have a CAREER and live in Atlanta Georgia by September 2011.
I will have a closer relationshp with my family and friends.
I will travel frequently after August for fun.
I will go on a cruise before the year is over with.
I will be at peace and content with life this year.
My finances will be in order. I will pay off all my debt which includes student loans, credit cards, medical bills, car note, and insurance.
I will have over 5,000 in my bank account by in the end of the year. I will have at least 2,000 dollars in savings.
My savings will continue to grow.
I will take care of my body, hair, and soul.
I will have children with my HUSBAND.
I will work with the federal government in Atlanta by September 2011. My CAREER will flourish.
I will obtain another degree in clinical psychology.
I will let go of any toxic relationship.
Habakkuk 2:2-3
2 And the lord answered me, and said, write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeath
3 For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie; though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.
There are more goals I will write down, but this is my focus for right now.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Exhausted
Well I have been in the library pretty much all day. I felt the urge to just apply to every job in my field wherever I could. I am 25 with no children and husband so I can just go wherever even though I prefer atlanta. Today I wrote a long list of goals and one of those goals is to have a CAREER in my field by September, preferably in ATL but I will take anywhere when it comes down to it. I am trying to get back into my affirmations. When I get near my journal I will post them.
I am tired, hungry, and sleepy. It feels like I did not eat today but I had lunch. I feel lonely at the moment. I hope the feeling past by soon...
Edited:
I just realized I had it in my bag!!! I guess I just start another entry...
I am tired, hungry, and sleepy. It feels like I did not eat today but I had lunch. I feel lonely at the moment. I hope the feeling past by soon...
Edited:
I just realized I had it in my bag!!! I guess I just start another entry...
Trying to keep it Together
So I am in the libary doing some work on my Thesis but I still have everything on my mind. I know this is a process and I hope that through time each day will get better. I feel that if I just write down all of my thoughts and frustrations, I can go through the day a little easier. I tend to feel a little bit better as I write. I feel like crying but I will not. I just miss him. Well I am going to finish up what I have written so far and then off the the biology building to see my professor.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, Courage to change what I cannot, and wisdom to know the difference
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, Courage to change what I cannot, and wisdom to know the difference
Up Early
I have been up since 3:00 in the morning. Its hard for me to stay asleep. I hate night time because it causes me to think about things and then I have a urge to want to be near him or to get angry and want to let him know how angry I am. It is now 4:57 am. I have been laying in my bed thinking about everything.
These are the times when I get tempted to call him the most but I don't have the urge this morning (Thankfully).
Today should be his first day at his internship but I haven't been talking to him so I don't know anymore. Its kind of sad because I remember him talking about wanting it and helping him throughout the process (I know I was not the only one, but I was around him alot). I personally would tell the people who was around me as much as I could about my experience (its federal gov so I know you can't tell everything). Its crazy bc a week ago he was telling me that he missed me and that he was going to see me soon. While he was training out west that whole week he kept in contact alot so I knew he missed me as much as I missed him. Stupid things and misunderstandings always cause drama. I hate the fact that he does not ever want to talk about it. I feel as if he does not care about how I feel and I just wanted him to understand. We have become friends this past year and I just want us to be on the same page when it comes to understanding and communication. But I cannot fool myself, I don't want to be just friends with him I would like more, but the bigger picture is that I have to focus on me right now. My heart hurts.
He texted me yesterday asking what I was up to, I just said writing and no reply back.
From now on, when I wake up, I will do something constructive, like do some work.
I now understand why he treated me the way he did, bc I always was there for him, too much.
I read an article someone at the forum I frequent posted and it was called the Power of NO. That article came at the right time because I need to learn that. That was part of my problem with S. That is my problem with people in general. From this point on, when I make decisions, I will do what is best for me.
Looking back I hate that I did not put my foot down more and just said NO, even if I did not mind. People will treat you the way you allow them to. This is definitely a learning experience for me.
It kind of makes me sad because that is not what I intend to do, but you have to see things for what they are to make a change.
AFFIRMATION: I will make decisons that are based on what is best for me. I will say Yes when I mean it and No when I mean it. I will set boundaries and my life will be full of balance, integrity, and authenticity. My boundaries will be healthy and I honor myself. I have control of myself and have power in my life.
These are the times when I get tempted to call him the most but I don't have the urge this morning (Thankfully).
Today should be his first day at his internship but I haven't been talking to him so I don't know anymore. Its kind of sad because I remember him talking about wanting it and helping him throughout the process (I know I was not the only one, but I was around him alot). I personally would tell the people who was around me as much as I could about my experience (its federal gov so I know you can't tell everything). Its crazy bc a week ago he was telling me that he missed me and that he was going to see me soon. While he was training out west that whole week he kept in contact alot so I knew he missed me as much as I missed him. Stupid things and misunderstandings always cause drama. I hate the fact that he does not ever want to talk about it. I feel as if he does not care about how I feel and I just wanted him to understand. We have become friends this past year and I just want us to be on the same page when it comes to understanding and communication. But I cannot fool myself, I don't want to be just friends with him I would like more, but the bigger picture is that I have to focus on me right now. My heart hurts.
He texted me yesterday asking what I was up to, I just said writing and no reply back.
From now on, when I wake up, I will do something constructive, like do some work.
I now understand why he treated me the way he did, bc I always was there for him, too much.
I read an article someone at the forum I frequent posted and it was called the Power of NO. That article came at the right time because I need to learn that. That was part of my problem with S. That is my problem with people in general. From this point on, when I make decisions, I will do what is best for me.
Looking back I hate that I did not put my foot down more and just said NO, even if I did not mind. People will treat you the way you allow them to. This is definitely a learning experience for me.
It kind of makes me sad because that is not what I intend to do, but you have to see things for what they are to make a change.
AFFIRMATION: I will make decisons that are based on what is best for me. I will say Yes when I mean it and No when I mean it. I will set boundaries and my life will be full of balance, integrity, and authenticity. My boundaries will be healthy and I honor myself. I have control of myself and have power in my life.
Monday, May 30, 2011
To You
Here is a letter to you (that I will not give):
I sit here and think about the past year and how can I have such strong feelings for someone who I was never in a relationship with. I have learned alot and what I will do next time. You can't control your emotions but you can control how you react to them.
I love you so much. If I could be with you I would but you don't want a relationship. I have learned that you are not ready for one. But guess what, I have learned that I am not ready for one either. There is alot that I need to work on myself. It took this situation for it to really come out.
I acted so out of character a few days ago. I just wanted you to hear me out because whenever things get serious and heated, you don't want to talk about it and it frustrated me. In reality I know that saying anything to you would be pointless. If what is meant to be said is meant to be heard, then it will be.
I do feel like at times you seem like you don't care, but I know you do. I hope that oneday we will be able to communicate and reach an understanding.
Alot of our issues do not stem from the situation that we are arguing about but at underlying unresolved issues that happened prior to when we met.
One thing that you need to realize is that I did not want us to be together because of what I did for you. You seem to think that I feel that you are obligated to be with me. I do not ever want to be with a man because of what I have done for him. I was being a good friend. What I did for you I did for my closest girlfriends. You see when I love someone I give effortlessly. I guess It came out as if I felt you were obligated to me, but that is not what I meant. You should know that.
I do think that you put yourself on a higher pedestal than you should. I was taken aback you said that you know you want me. Well of course I wanted to be with you, you know that we both are emotionally attached to eachother. But don't think that I just will die to be with you and that I cannot pick up and move on because I can and will. If you don't know, ask my ex-boyfriend of 5.5 years who I thought I was going to marry. It seems like when a guy thinks he got a girl that he believes that she will always be there.
Well look where that got him nowhere and it took him over a year to recover from that. But I left him alone, I cared enough cut him off so that he could move on. Because I knew that he was in to me in the way that I was not in to him anymore. He now is in a relationship with someone who can love him the way he should be loved.
I guess my aggrravation with you stems from the fact that your actions are straight up contridictions. You say we have to stop doing what we do but we don't. I have my part, I have no boundaries with you. That is something I need to work on is boundaries. I have to get to the point where I say its all or nothing. I guess I am scared. I am scared that you will never come back. I guess I am not tired enough of this shit. But I am getting to that point.
I sit here and think about the past year and how can I have such strong feelings for someone who I was never in a relationship with. I have learned alot and what I will do next time. You can't control your emotions but you can control how you react to them.
I love you so much. If I could be with you I would but you don't want a relationship. I have learned that you are not ready for one. But guess what, I have learned that I am not ready for one either. There is alot that I need to work on myself. It took this situation for it to really come out.
I acted so out of character a few days ago. I just wanted you to hear me out because whenever things get serious and heated, you don't want to talk about it and it frustrated me. In reality I know that saying anything to you would be pointless. If what is meant to be said is meant to be heard, then it will be.
I do feel like at times you seem like you don't care, but I know you do. I hope that oneday we will be able to communicate and reach an understanding.
Alot of our issues do not stem from the situation that we are arguing about but at underlying unresolved issues that happened prior to when we met.
One thing that you need to realize is that I did not want us to be together because of what I did for you. You seem to think that I feel that you are obligated to be with me. I do not ever want to be with a man because of what I have done for him. I was being a good friend. What I did for you I did for my closest girlfriends. You see when I love someone I give effortlessly. I guess It came out as if I felt you were obligated to me, but that is not what I meant. You should know that.
I do think that you put yourself on a higher pedestal than you should. I was taken aback you said that you know you want me. Well of course I wanted to be with you, you know that we both are emotionally attached to eachother. But don't think that I just will die to be with you and that I cannot pick up and move on because I can and will. If you don't know, ask my ex-boyfriend of 5.5 years who I thought I was going to marry. It seems like when a guy thinks he got a girl that he believes that she will always be there.
Well look where that got him nowhere and it took him over a year to recover from that. But I left him alone, I cared enough cut him off so that he could move on. Because I knew that he was in to me in the way that I was not in to him anymore. He now is in a relationship with someone who can love him the way he should be loved.
I guess my aggrravation with you stems from the fact that your actions are straight up contridictions. You say we have to stop doing what we do but we don't. I have my part, I have no boundaries with you. That is something I need to work on is boundaries. I have to get to the point where I say its all or nothing. I guess I am scared. I am scared that you will never come back. I guess I am not tired enough of this shit. But I am getting to that point.
Alienation
Alienation is defined in the dictionary (dictionary.com to be exact) as:
Isolation from a group or an activity to which one should belong or in which one should be involved.
I am feeling alienated but I am doing it to myself. I am right now in a middle of feeling extremely heartbroken and have no sense of control in the situation. I feel helpless and sad. If I could I would have it to where I was with him right now. But the reality of it is that it is NOT THE RIGHT TIME. These past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster and I have cried so much this year alone (I never was really a crier).
I use to have another blog but I have decided to start up another one for a new start and to be more anonymous. I have been by myself for the past few days by choice. I did not want to be around anyone out of fear of just breaking down and crying and I just did not want my energy to bring anyone I was around down. It is like so beautiful outside but I have been seeing darkness. I understand it is all in my perception but I am just using this as a theraputic tool to help me grow and move forward.
I do know that there will be brighter days, the pain is just fresh right now.
To those who are on the outside looking in, they will logically say move on, it will get better and you will meet someone who appreciates and love you for you. Of course I think about that but do you have one of those people who stays in your system for years as Jozen put it in his untiligetmarried blog (check him out at untiligetmarried.com). They seem to be with you even when you don't think about it, as if they are a part of you.
It can be quite maddening when you don't quite understand and just accept things for how it is. I remember being upset because of the inner turmoil and confusion I was feeling and I lashed out at him. I told him you contridict yourself. He says, Its going to take a while for you to get out of my system. Although it was not stated, I think we both cried on the inside after he said that for a quick moment. I at that point knew that he did love me but he really can't be with me.
Its frustrating to me because why do I have this wishful optimistic thinking that this is not over between him and I. So many times we (well he) has tried to end things and some way the universe is like no or maybe its the heart saying no and we are back where we started. And it once again becomes an emotional roller coaster.
Because at this moment in time we cannot be but I want him in my life, same as he but its hard to be just a friend. Its no boundaries when we get together which is the problem.
I feel half crazy. I feel like screaming. I feel like breaking things. I think about drinking to not feel anything. I think about dealing with other dudes to not feel anything. But the reality of it is, I would not be fulfilled, I would be empty.
The only thing I can do is accept it which will take time. I can't say that I accept it fully right now. It will be a processs in itself. But I did realize today that I can't let it control me. I have a life that is still going on and I need to get a grip and realize that I am still alive and well.
But I will never stop loving him, he is always around me. I miss him so much. Every little thing reminds me of him. I go to this place, I remember a moment with him. I go to that place, another moment. I pick up a piece of paper, it has his handwriting on it. I watch a youtube video of the moesha sitcom, his name is one of the characters. I change the youtube video to a different video of moesha, the opening scene is of the fraternity that he is a member of doing a step and the father walks in the house saying one of the chants. I change the youtube to another moesha episode while saying this is not a coincidence and then moesha opens up talking about coincidences and fate.
I guess that was the uinverse trying to tell me to just accept things as it is. I cannot CONTROL anything. Don't get me wrong, I understand, but I still think about what he is doing and if he is meeting new women (which is tough to imagine, I try not to think about it). But in the end, I cannot do anything about that. Its his life and I have mine. I have to learn to accept things, accept things for what it is.
I just now thought as I was typing this that I will say the Serenity prayer every morning and every night (and anytime in between if I need to). This will be one of my affirmations because I am learning I need to accept things for what they are in general when it comes to life.
SERENITY PRAYER:
Isolation from a group or an activity to which one should belong or in which one should be involved.
I am feeling alienated but I am doing it to myself. I am right now in a middle of feeling extremely heartbroken and have no sense of control in the situation. I feel helpless and sad. If I could I would have it to where I was with him right now. But the reality of it is that it is NOT THE RIGHT TIME. These past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster and I have cried so much this year alone (I never was really a crier).
I use to have another blog but I have decided to start up another one for a new start and to be more anonymous. I have been by myself for the past few days by choice. I did not want to be around anyone out of fear of just breaking down and crying and I just did not want my energy to bring anyone I was around down. It is like so beautiful outside but I have been seeing darkness. I understand it is all in my perception but I am just using this as a theraputic tool to help me grow and move forward.
I do know that there will be brighter days, the pain is just fresh right now.
To those who are on the outside looking in, they will logically say move on, it will get better and you will meet someone who appreciates and love you for you. Of course I think about that but do you have one of those people who stays in your system for years as Jozen put it in his untiligetmarried blog (check him out at untiligetmarried.com). They seem to be with you even when you don't think about it, as if they are a part of you.
It can be quite maddening when you don't quite understand and just accept things for how it is. I remember being upset because of the inner turmoil and confusion I was feeling and I lashed out at him. I told him you contridict yourself. He says, Its going to take a while for you to get out of my system. Although it was not stated, I think we both cried on the inside after he said that for a quick moment. I at that point knew that he did love me but he really can't be with me.
Its frustrating to me because why do I have this wishful optimistic thinking that this is not over between him and I. So many times we (well he) has tried to end things and some way the universe is like no or maybe its the heart saying no and we are back where we started. And it once again becomes an emotional roller coaster.
Because at this moment in time we cannot be but I want him in my life, same as he but its hard to be just a friend. Its no boundaries when we get together which is the problem.
I feel half crazy. I feel like screaming. I feel like breaking things. I think about drinking to not feel anything. I think about dealing with other dudes to not feel anything. But the reality of it is, I would not be fulfilled, I would be empty.
The only thing I can do is accept it which will take time. I can't say that I accept it fully right now. It will be a processs in itself. But I did realize today that I can't let it control me. I have a life that is still going on and I need to get a grip and realize that I am still alive and well.
But I will never stop loving him, he is always around me. I miss him so much. Every little thing reminds me of him. I go to this place, I remember a moment with him. I go to that place, another moment. I pick up a piece of paper, it has his handwriting on it. I watch a youtube video of the moesha sitcom, his name is one of the characters. I change the youtube video to a different video of moesha, the opening scene is of the fraternity that he is a member of doing a step and the father walks in the house saying one of the chants. I change the youtube to another moesha episode while saying this is not a coincidence and then moesha opens up talking about coincidences and fate.
I guess that was the uinverse trying to tell me to just accept things as it is. I cannot CONTROL anything. Don't get me wrong, I understand, but I still think about what he is doing and if he is meeting new women (which is tough to imagine, I try not to think about it). But in the end, I cannot do anything about that. Its his life and I have mine. I have to learn to accept things, accept things for what it is.
I just now thought as I was typing this that I will say the Serenity prayer every morning and every night (and anytime in between if I need to). This will be one of my affirmations because I am learning I need to accept things for what they are in general when it comes to life.
SERENITY PRAYER:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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